A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.
“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me P15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me P10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning P5,000 to the defense.”
Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other’s dog was just sitting there, with no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.
The first hunter asked, “What’s wrong with your dog? The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I’d ever seen!“
“Well,” the other hunter replied, “His name’s Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard and getting the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge, so now all he does is sit on his ass and bark.”
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.”
“But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer.
“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim “That’s Strange!”
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Atty. dela Cruz, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the applicant. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, “My dad sued me for the money.”
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.”
Client: “No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.”
What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.
What do honest lawyers and UFO’s have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
One juror overheard saying to another…”You’ll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!”
There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go straight.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
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